My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
