If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize