there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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