Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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