you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
