Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The adults are the big ones right?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
