so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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