Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
