Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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