My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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