Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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