i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
