were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
