is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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