Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
