So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He better not be in your backpack
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
