I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
