the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
