I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
