when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
