whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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