So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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