You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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