she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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