he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
