I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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