i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
