ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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