im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
