I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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