Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
