I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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