One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
