Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I understand Curling. That high.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize