I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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