peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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