Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
