I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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