you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
