my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
