I think I died a long time ago.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
