i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
