sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
