I think I am morally bankrupt
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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