im six kinds of drunk right now
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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