i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
