I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
