These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
