And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
