I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
