but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
