i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
