Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
BRING THE BAGELS
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
