No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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