woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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