i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
