marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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