she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
