I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
