At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
